Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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