Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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