I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
