My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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