Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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