Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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