I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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