I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
