New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
