have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
