You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
