That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you didnt know i had herpes?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
you never un-have a 4some
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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