apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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