yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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