we're chasing vodka with high fives
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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