If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
