Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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