nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Randomize
