i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Someone signed my nipple.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
