So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
