So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
