Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
