We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
True strength comes from lack of pants
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
