i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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