That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
