I met the friendliest cop last night
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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