I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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