Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
