I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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