You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
zippers are such a cool invention
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
