Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
