OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
