we're blogging at a bar
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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