I'm pants shitting drunk right now
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
