Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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