My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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