by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think your dad took our porno
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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