Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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