We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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