hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
