my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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