She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
