I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
