I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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