Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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