my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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