Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
