Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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