I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I intend to get homeless drunk
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
