Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
