true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
