Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
