I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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