he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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