6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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