I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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