You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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