Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
