Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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