we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
