I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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