No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
